Saving Your Life

By: Alexandria Riedinger

Oct 28 2010

Tags: , , ,

Category: Life & Happenings

1 Comment

Focal Length:44mm
Shutter:1/0 sec
Camera:Canon EOS 50D

“There was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do – determined to save the only life you could save.” – Mary Oliver

It’s interesting that I came across this quote this week. This week, of all weeks, I needed it the most. It seems there is a simple beauty in the fact that I have always come across the most inspiring quote at the time I needed it most.

I was in a car accident last Sunday, and it’s a miracle my life was saved.

I’m ok, I don’t want you to worry! But it was a very terrifying experience, one that I will never forget not only because of what happened, but because of what it signified in my life. I was driving home that afternoon, and after rain that morning the roads were a bit wet. I took an off ramp to connect to another highway and as it curved to the left, I suddenly felt my little black truck lose traction and slide into the guard rail. I tried to correct it by gently turning the wheel back the opposite direction, (I do know better than to jerk the wheel of course) and the truck slid even more out of control, fish tailing into the next lane. In efforts to not hit the person next to me, I turned the truck back towards the guard rail and slammed into it with the front of my truck, sending me spinning out of control in the midst of traffic. When I finally came to a stop, I was looking head on into oncoming traffic. For a second, I prepared myself for the worst…another car slamming into me and there went my life.

All I could think about this week was the feeling of the truck sliding out from underneath me and how I tried so desperately to save my life. To save it from spinning out of control. Isn’t that what I’ve always done? I’ve realized the accident was the perfect metaphor for my life. Me trying so desperately to keep it in control. To control my feelings, to control my emotions, to keep everything from spinning out of control. To save my life….and that’s what I feel is happening all over again. There have been moments in my life lately where I haven’t made the best decisions and not dealing with the reasons leading up to them, the emotions, and the consequences have put me in a place of hiding. Hiding from the truth, hiding from myself.

It happened so fast….the accident and my life. I felt like crying all week because I had no idea how I got there, but yet at the same time I did. I knew exactly how I got there….and the accident was the perfect addition to my story. It was like the perfect prop in a movie that represents everything and leads to the climax. the only thing at the time I couldn’t connect, was why I survived. I had thoughts of why was there something there that day that saved me from being hit by anyone else? Then the ‘what ifs’ poured in and for a moment, I gave into those fears of what could have happened. I knew the chances were slim that I didn’t hit anyone else and that no one else hit me. And the thought back to when I was spinning and catching a glimpse of the other cars on the road was terrifying. I don’t know if I closed my eyes, but thinking of that exact moment makes me want to close my eyes even now.

When I hit the guard rail, I knew everything had to come out. Everything. Every emotion, every fear, everything that I was not letting go of. I feel like if it had been a movie, I would have thrown both my hands up in the air in that perfect dramatic release. It would have been a beautiful thing for me. A final letting go of everything. It’s what I needed.

Which is why my writing has been few and far between these past two weeks. I’m finally taking some time for myself to sort through my life and acknowledge the emotions that come with it.  Most importantly, I’m finding my voice.  And I’m slowly listening to it and recognizing it as my own.

I have to say, it’s a bit terrifying putting all this out here for you to read, but I know you all deserve honesty. And how can I inspire you change your life, if I’m hiding what inspires me to change mine.


One comment on “Saving Your Life”

  1. Oh my goodness! I was just clicking around your blog and the lovely picture of you and your truck caught by attention. I’m so glad you’re OK!!!

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